Crossfitter, Gymnast, dancer, Fitness Instructor, Cyclist, runner, swimmer, hot yoga-all around athlete. Soon to be: triathlete, marathoner, xfit games contender. Certified-Level 1 crossfit trainer, Pro USAG Member.
Currently a trained spin instructor. Working toward an AA in nutrition. I like to do what people believe is impossible and proving them wrong. Conquoring the unimaginable and lofty goals is the highest achievement and greatest feeling!
I'm trying to make light of the situation that has literally pulled me back into a deep, dark depression. I'm trying to make sense of it all. I choose to believe that there are no accidents. I thought I had been following the right path... I was following my heart and dreams only to have circumstances outside of my control collapse all that I believed was going to lead to a better ending to my 2015 Crossfit Open.
Earlier this week, HQ declared me ineligible to compete for Kitsap Crossfit's Team due to the fact that I had not followed rules that were not black and white to begin with. Due to my lack of commitment earlier this year as well as being unable to leave Yakima for a period of time that I was housesitting, I did not meet the over 50% rule. Despite the fact that I had diligently done everything in my power to be over at KCF more than 50% of the time for the last 2 months. I made 6 more training days at KCF for the past 2 months but that wasn't enough.
I feel like I've let down an entire team. I feel like I've let down two Crossfit boxes. The one I left in order to follow my dreams & the team that I had been training with off-and-on during the last 9 months to represent during the Open.
During the past 2 months a lot had happened. An ankle injury that helped contribute to my decision, the opportunity to train with an athlete who was phenomenal at my weaknesses and made an amazing training partner & the hopes of getting to experience what is would be like to train and maybe compete on a team.
I should be grateful for everything that I've gotten to experience over the past 2 months as well as the past 9 months but instead I feel completely bitter, angry & severe sense of guilt for getting many people's hopes up-including my own. I keep wondering how many more times I am going to get screwed over by my decisions and by decisions of other people.
I guess this blog is an apology to everyone I've let down. An apology to myself for my lack of commitment to endeavors I go after.
After the incidences that have occurred over the past week I am experiencing an internal battle as to whether or not to compete in the Open this year. What's the point? Mentally I feel completely done with this sport. I experienced this feeling in the sport of gymnastics many times and yet I continued to trudge on because I had no other desire to do anything else. It was the undoing of my career and has led me to feel a deep sense of bitterness towards that sport. An unforgiving anger directed at all of my past coaches, towards everything that had prevented me from reaching my potential and most of all, a feeling of hatred towards myself-for everything I had caused in my lifetime.
I don't want that to happen in this sport. I had made it very clear with myself that if I was going to put my whole heart and soul into Crossfit that I would not repeat my past and yet here I am seeing similar patterns once again.
There are days where
everything in life makes sense...
Days where you realize why you were born the day you were
born, days where you understand why you were sent to the city you grew up in,
days where you come to terms with why certain people, certain events, certain
accidents and struggles were thrust into your life?
Those days don’t always occur in a lifetime.
For some people, they occur once or twice in life, perhaps
after pulling through an adversity, sometimes people never enjoy realizing that
everything has happened for a reason until the day they die.
This month has shown me why every fucking thing has happened
in my life.
March 2013 is one that will forever be the month that
changed my life, my whole perspective and provided an answer to my purpose on
I have so much to write about as far as Crossfit has been
for me the last month. It has been one incredible journey. I wasn’t going to do
the Open. I figured it would be pointless. I wasn’t going to Regional’s or the
Games, so why bother. I was only persuaded by another Crossfitter who trains
and teaches at the other Crossfit gym. Tanya suggested I do it, so I signed up.
And I am so thankful I did.
13.4 looked like my wod.
I love Clean and jerks and I love Toes to bar.
Unfortunately, my first practice attempt did not go as I
hoped. I finished the 7 minutes with a total of 72 reps, meaning I had made it
through 12 reps of the 15 C&J’s. My goal had been 90 reps. Infuriated with
my score, I immediately re-did the wod and as I had expected did less than the
72 reps. Still fuming, I gave myself a 10 minute break and then went to work on
another wod that consisted of 150 burpees with a 115lb C&J EMOM. I failed
on my first jerk but hit every single one after that for the next 18 minutes of
The next day I was invited to join a group of our top
crossfitter’s at my gym for another practice run of 13.4. The atmosphere as our
elite group prepared for the wod was amazing. There was a humble excitement
that surrounded us as well as a competitive aura that hung in the air. Rich S,
Terel, Heidi, Zane, Danielle and I waited in anticipation for the sound of
Joey’s voice to call out 3…2…1…
We went hard at it. I wasn’t able to watch most of the group
because I was near the front of the room with only Terel in front of me but I
knew I was planning to push ahead. I was the first on the bar for 3 T2B and the
first one off. I surpassed the group by our second round of 6 reps. Thus I
began focusing solely on my performance and on keeping my C&J’s as well as
T2B’s in sets.
I was much happier with how my sets were going this time
round as well as how I was feeling. I did my c&J’s and T2B’s all in a row
up until the 3rd set where the number went up to 9 reps. I pumped
out 3 sets of 3 C&J’s and T2B’s. On my set of 12, I began to tire quickly
and began breaking my C&J’s into sets of 1. My T2B were still 3 at a time.
Suddenly, there wasn’t much time left on the clock. I had to get through my set
of 15 C&J. I did! I also made it to 4 T2B. I was still not real happy with
my score but I was much happier with how I felt through the wod and likewise,
that I had kept my reps in much better sets this time round.
I took a rest day between my trial day with the group and my
final testing day and used it to write down some goals and wods for the rest of
the week. I thought for awhile about my initial goal I had set for this wod.
Had 90 reps been too out of reach for me? And then I began to think about my
life. I thought about my constant failures one after another. I thought about
how my fear of failure had driven me to always try to keep my goals much too
easy to make sure I attained them. I hated failure and I didn’t like not
achieving something that I thought was in my reach. But I needed to believe it
was in reach. I am an incredible athlete and human being. I am in the 1% group
in the entire world that has reached level 9 in gymnastics. I was currently in
204th place out of 3,900+ crossfitter’s in our region. I was in
2,000 some place out of over 100,000 crossfitter’s in the world. Lori Kline who
was the top crossfitting woman in our town was in 20 something place out of the
3,000+ crossfitter’s in the Northwest. She had some time on me as far as
crossfit goes and thus was better physically than I was. She had made 93 reps
for this wod. But I wanted this more than anything. I wanted to prove to myself
that I could risk such a goal. The worst that could happen was that I didn’t
reach 90 reps. No. Big. Deal.
Easter Sunday, I took to the challenge before me. My judge
would be Doc. He’s a phenomenal lifter from the other Crossfit gym. We talked
about the wod and how my goal was to keep my reps in sets of 3. He asked if I
had practiced the workout and what I had scored. I told him, in which he
responded that 79 reps was still a good score. I figured that much but I knew I
could do better and I told him that.
He let me go first of the crossfitter’s that had entered the
gym. I took a couple of seconds to pray to whatever power existed in the
universe and prepared myself. I couldn’t let myself down.
10 seconds on the clock and then I was going.
I pumped out my sets of 3 and 6.
I did my set of 9 C&J in sets of 5 and 4 reps.
My T2B’s felt off but I think I pulled off 3 sets of 3.
I was going much faster than I had the last 3 practice
And I was fatiguing more quickly.
I did my first set of 3 for the 12 reps and then began
breaking the sets down into set of 2 and then 1.
I couldn’t catch my breath, my lungs hurt.
I jumped to the bar.
My T2B were in sets of 2.
I still had over 2 minutes left.
I did another set of 3 for my set of 15 and then began going
one rep at a time. It took me over a full minute to complete the 15 but I still
had 45 seconds to get my T2B’s done. I could hear myself breathing, groaning
I jumped to the bar for T2B’s, I did 2 reps.
I could hear Doc telling me to go and that I didn’t have
time to rest.
I jumped back up and did 2 more.
I had matched my last score and I still had around 30
I kept thinking to myself, I just need to get 15, just 15.
I did 1 rep.
“GO! Get up on the bar! Common!” He was sternly pushing me
I did a set of 2 or 3.
“You only have 15 seconds left!” He yelled fervently.
I couldn’t catch my breath.
1 rep, I had hit 10 T2B of my 15.
I jumped up and pulled out 3 more, the last one hit at
exactly the 7 minute mark.
My total was 88 reps.
I was shaking, my
eyes were watering, my forearms seemed to be instantly swelling, I couldn’t
catch my breath and my lungs hurt. I hadn’t felt this miserable in a workout
for a long, long time. And it was only 7 minutes long.
I kept thinking to myself.
2 more and I would’ve
hit 90 reps.
I don’t know if I could’ve gotten 2 more reps but I do know
one thing, I am freaking thankful I kept my goal at such a high and seemingly
improbable number. I am so glad I didn’t give into my fear of failure and
instead embraced the thought that 90 reps was possible because it truly was
within my reach and if I had settled for anything less, my total number would
surely have been lower.
I was on my final Crossfit workout. A brutal 12 minutes of as many reps as possible of 5 tire flips, 10 wall ball shots and a 150 m sprint and to top it off, it was the last of 3 work outs. Each horrendous workout had only a 3 minute break between and going into my final one, I had nothing left to give… or so I thought. I had never pushed so hard in my life and it took everything out of me to simply keep going. There was one girl in my heat and thankfully she was rx-ing and she was pushing me onward. I had managed to stay ahead of her in the first two work outs. It was only entering the final event that she had slipped ahead of me.
I was bent over the 100+ lb tire that I was supposed to be flipping over. Instead I stood, staring dejectedly down at the pavement in the middle, trying to catch my breath, trying to convince myself to bend down and lift the object. I looked hopeless as I remained motionless above my tire. Time was passing but not quickly enough. It was the longest 12 minutes of my life. Suddenly I heard a man in the crowd, I didn’t recognize the voice, yet the words were the most motivational I had ever heard said out loud. He screamed over the drone of voices:
“Don’t stop! This is what you live for! This is why you get up in the morning everyday! This is what you thrive on day in and day out!”
He wasn’t yelling at me but he may as well have been. The words hit me like a rock, awakening something that I had forgotten deep inside my soul. Where had that empowerment gone? It was the same enlightening feeling I had felt as a gymnast. Since leaving the sport, I had felt an undeniable void in my life. It had left me feeling miserable and empty. Gymnastics was my “God”, my religion and my first true love. Yet in an attempt to return to the sport, I found to my complete dismay, the joy and passion that had driven me to continue had long since left. I no longer belonged in that arena anymore. It had become a part of my past. As quickly as I had jumped back in, I quietly stepped back out and returned to the monotony of my life.
And yet standing over that tire, there was suddenly a familiar feeling in my heart. It’s hard to put into words exactly what I was experiencing internally. A flame that had been burnt out years before seemed to come back to life, only this time, it was in a different place, time and moment. A determination, a passion and a desire I hadn’t felt for a long time and never like this, never so strongly. It was a feeling of needing to survive, to rise above and to thrive in this new world I had entered.
I glanced up at the girl who was just ahead of me. I took a deep breath, gritted my teeth, narrowed my eyes and bent down to pull the tire up from the ground. A sort of power that came from deep inside me pushed me onward. I no longer felt human; overcoming a fatigue unlike anything I had ever experienced had brought out something divine in me. My drive for competition, for sport and most of all, for life, had returned. I had been re-born in that moment.
Lately I've been feeling burnt out, frusterated, tired and completely in need of a vacation. I haven't gotten out of this town much since I got certified in Crossfit, 6 months ago...
Seriously need a break.
A couple of items I really need to talk about, three things imparticular: My crossfit blurbage, moving or not moving and the Nastia issue.
Plus the idea of coming out of retirement in gymnastics has been put on hold. Mostly because I can't train due to the fact that the gym I once called home wont even let me onto the floor. Why? Insurance policies, fear, communication issues between coaches and for a lack of feeling welcome, I don't care much to enter in to their training facility. The other reason being some overuse injuries I've developed all over my lower body. This is severely frusterating in itself. My calves, achilles and bottoms of my feet imparticular feel swollen and tight all of the time.
Stress has likely been part of my inability to lose weight. I had started eating healthier than ever since the crossfit regionals but nothing seemed to come from it except severe fatigue, naturally this occured from "paleo" foods that my body is allergic to. Since then I have been cheating more often too. It's been very frusterating and hard to keep my goal in mind. It just feels like I am going through the motions nowdays. No desire. No joy. Just teaching classes and working out. Everything feels purposeless. I need some motivation... something to inspire me again.
The last discussion topic I want to confront is why the fuck Nastia is able to go to trials with those 2 nightmarish bar routines when Chellsie, who was obviously more prepared was not allowed to move forward. That frusterates me a lot. Partially because I am not much of a Nastia fan...
I managed to get out of town for about 3 hours and visited a friend who started a new gym. A new gym I may start coaching/training at. As a soveigner, she decided to take a picture of me in front of the banner. I love the pic!... >>>
At any rate, its late, I'm hurting, tired & frusterated. I'm going to bed.
I have to be honest, I don't like holiday's much. My holiday is my work time, my work outs. When I don't get to go to work, I feel lazy and become easily bored... I also indulged in too much sugar and too many carbs, which also makes me feel miserable... To add to all of this nonsense, the YMCA I train at is now closed on Sunday's until October! That was the last straw in adding misery to my weekend...
Fortuantly, the weather was lovely late in the afternoon and so I headed out on a 5 mile run Saturday. As I began, I did so in rememberence of Caballo Blanco.
It was amazing how motivating remembering him was. I ran with ease. The sky seemed to become a lighter blue and the grass was a lively green beneath my feet. The wind lightly touched my face. And the sun beamed down on me lightly, just warming me to a comfortable degree. It was an enlightening experience to say the least and I enjoyed every moment of it. It's amazing how much stronger I have gotten as well... Although I'm sure my pace was slow, when I'm by myself I go at what I feel is comfortable. If that means 10 minutes per mile, that is fine by me. Whatever I can do to get myself to run for a longer period of time. However, I have never ran very far. At this point in time, I have never gone beyond 6 miles in a time frame. Thus feeling that 5 miles felt easy was a great confidence booster in preping me for my 1/2 marathon in June. Likewise, I have to make sure a longer run feels good. If running doesn't feel good, even for one day, it takes a whole lot of effort and usually time-in days-to get myself back outside or in any form of "running mode".
Even though I got in a longer run, my dietary intake that take left consequences going into Sunday.
Eating more carbs and sugar usually makes me get jittery, emotional, leaves me feeling unsatisfied and I've come to find causes me to want to work out really, really hard-even on rest days.
Sunday looked absolutely miserable in the morning. Windy, cloudy and cold. This was a huge downer for me. I was not going to run in the wind, not when it was windy enough to knock down tree branches. My Easter day began miserably...
I took my gloomy self to a friend's house and helped her cook for her family. She then introduced me to the sport of Lacrosse. Well the jist of it, basically throwing the ball back and forth using the sticks in the game. It was a joyful way to release some of the stress from the weekend. Finally the weather had cleared up and I took advantage of it, going for another run. This time a shorter trip, around 3 miles I'd say.
I went along the canal bank near my house. It is the most gorgeous, secluded area and I absolutely loved running it. However, I started with an added loop toward a different canal bank and figured I'd cut through and end my run early, I instead stuck it out to go on the canal bank that no one ever touches. It was well worth the extra mileage. :)
That evening ended in an Easter feast of deviled eggs, salad, fruit and twiced baked potatoes. As amazing as the food was, I had already eaten so terribly that it made me feel miserable afterward. I did enjoy the opportunity that was provided by my old coach to go into the gym and play gymnastics, it was a nice relief and another stress reliever.
I began today differently. Eating almost strictly paleo. My breakfast included an apple, 2 eggs, chicken, mushrooms, onions, avocado and salsa.
Taught a spin class. Thank God for exercise and sweating, I felt much better afterward.
Lunch included 2 more eggs, side pork, green beans, avocado, onion, mushrooms & salsa. So similar meal.
Another reason I absolutely love eating paleo is side pork, bacon and chicken! After being vegetarian for almost 2 years, going back to meat has been a wonderful treat.
Onto spin class #2 and crossfit.
I'm gonna leave you with some running tips from Scott Jurek.
CaballoBlanco will never be forgotten... Footage taken in Olympia, Washington by weiistone. No copyright infringement intended.
It's incredible to think that I sat in the back of this room only a couple of years ago and listened to this great human being talk about his lifestyle and the lifestyle of the tribe he lived amongst.
On March 31st, 2012 the infamous CaballoBlanco from Christopher Mcdougall's award winning novel, Born to Run was found dead on the terrain of New Mexico.
I think what's so startling about the discovery of 58 year old Micah True's dead body is that he is depicted as a sort of super hero in Born to Run. He's portrayed as a mysterious, ghostly figure who has managed to live amongst a hidden, fairly unknown tribe. He had overcome the way Americans have come to live by and instead found a deeper, solitary and ancestral type life that the Tarahumara live. This tribe of people had come to respect, not only, this man's uncanny ability to live among them but also his ability remain an elusive ghost to the public eye. That is until recently...
Christopher Mcdougall writes about his adventures of traveling down to the Copper Canyon's of Mexico, seeking out this man called CaballoBlanco. Upon finding him, Christopher's whole life changed, for the better. Micah True set an example as to how human being's are meant to live and showed that we can live like the Tarahumara tribe in their simplicity and their down-to-earth ways.
As you step outside for you're next run, take a moment to breath in the fresh air, feel the earth beneath your feet and just for a moment, remember CaballoBlanco's spirit.