Crossfitter, Gymnast, dancer, Fitness Instructor, Cyclist, runner, swimmer, hot yoga-all around athlete. Soon to be: triathlete, marathoner, xfit games contender. Certified-Level 1 crossfit trainer, Pro USAG Member.
Currently a trained spin instructor. Working toward an AA in nutrition. I like to do what people believe is impossible and proving them wrong. Conquoring the unimaginable and lofty goals is the highest achievement and greatest feeling!
I'm trying to make light of the situation that has literally pulled me back into a deep, dark depression. I'm trying to make sense of it all. I choose to believe that there are no accidents. I thought I had been following the right path... I was following my heart and dreams only to have circumstances outside of my control collapse all that I believed was going to lead to a better ending to my 2015 Crossfit Open.
Earlier this week, HQ declared me ineligible to compete for Kitsap Crossfit's Team due to the fact that I had not followed rules that were not black and white to begin with. Due to my lack of commitment earlier this year as well as being unable to leave Yakima for a period of time that I was housesitting, I did not meet the over 50% rule. Despite the fact that I had diligently done everything in my power to be over at KCF more than 50% of the time for the last 2 months. I made 6 more training days at KCF for the past 2 months but that wasn't enough.
I feel like I've let down an entire team. I feel like I've let down two Crossfit boxes. The one I left in order to follow my dreams & the team that I had been training with off-and-on during the last 9 months to represent during the Open.
During the past 2 months a lot had happened. An ankle injury that helped contribute to my decision, the opportunity to train with an athlete who was phenomenal at my weaknesses and made an amazing training partner & the hopes of getting to experience what is would be like to train and maybe compete on a team.
I should be grateful for everything that I've gotten to experience over the past 2 months as well as the past 9 months but instead I feel completely bitter, angry & severe sense of guilt for getting many people's hopes up-including my own. I keep wondering how many more times I am going to get screwed over by my decisions and by decisions of other people.
I guess this blog is an apology to everyone I've let down. An apology to myself for my lack of commitment to endeavors I go after.
After the incidences that have occurred over the past week I am experiencing an internal battle as to whether or not to compete in the Open this year. What's the point? Mentally I feel completely done with this sport. I experienced this feeling in the sport of gymnastics many times and yet I continued to trudge on because I had no other desire to do anything else. It was the undoing of my career and has led me to feel a deep sense of bitterness towards that sport. An unforgiving anger directed at all of my past coaches, towards everything that had prevented me from reaching my potential and most of all, a feeling of hatred towards myself-for everything I had caused in my lifetime.
I don't want that to happen in this sport. I had made it very clear with myself that if I was going to put my whole heart and soul into Crossfit that I would not repeat my past and yet here I am seeing similar patterns once again.